Dear Diary, From an Alien
by A.Mi.E.'s Sonata
Summary: Tony has decided- outta guilt, mind you- to keep a diary/journal as well, and now we get a peek into our alien friend's day! Rated T for language. Updated daily.
1. Nov 07, 2011

**Dear… Diary,**

** Let's get one thing straight: I'm not doing this because I want to. Toris gave me this journal for my birthday like two fucking years ago and I felt bad for throwing it under the bed. I'm not sentimental or some shit; I'm writing here because it'd be a waste of good paper, okay? **

**Goddammit, I dunno even know why the fuck I'm doing this. What the hell am I supposed to write in here anyway? My feelings? Ugh, that makes me feel so emo. I guess that leaves telling you about my day…? But I didn't do shit today except put more crop circles in Texas, so that's useless. **

**Whatever. I've written enough.**

**Night,  
><strong>**Tony**

* * *

><p>Muwahaha, I'm breaking off from my letterfic to start this as well. I seriously frickin' love Tony to death XD.<p>

I should also give credit to lifeisinteresting because she inspired me to write this, so VOILA :D

~ Amie S.


	2. Nov 08, 2011

**Dear Diary,**

**I can't believe I'm actually gonna continue writing in this. I feel so fucking stupid, dammit.**

**Anyways, today I thought I'd practice my art skills. Y'know, since I'm like the fucking Michelangelo of my planet and all. I'm getting pretty tired of my American canvas so I thought I'd try it elsewhere. I shot a dart at the globe and ended up at America's hat. Not that much different, just a lot more snow and ice, but it doesn't really matter. So I lasered my drawing onto Mattie's arm. It ended up taking up a whole glacier when I finished and can I just say it was damn good? Too bad the glacier ended up cracking and breaking apart… Oh well. Nobody gives a fuck. Except maybe that village… Nevermind.**

**Oh! I guess I should tell you how I draw. I actually pretty much just copy the primitive human way and use a stylus on a tablet. BUT the only difference is my stylus is connected to my laser cannon on Lucille. Whatever I draw on my tablet ends up on the earth! It's frickin' sweet, right? :D**

**It was funny when I was heading back home and passed a couple planes on the way. I could see all the people freaking out and shit. Lolz, it usually happens whenever I go cruisin'. Humans can't seem to handle Lucille :L**

**Oh, if you didn't already know, Lucille is my spaceship. She's my baby~ :)**

**Meh, well, that's all I have for now. It's time to get me some munchies.**

**PEACE [is for lame-asses],  
>Tony<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Hehe, right after I uploaded last night, I realized I set the story language as Spanish. That's what I get for writing when half-asleep XD

~ Amie S.


	3. Nov 09, 2011

**Dear Diary,**

**Today sucked ass.**

**First of all, the American idiot I live with decided today was a fucking perfect morning to wake me up by jumping on my bed. **

**What.**

**The.**

**Fuck. **

**So I nuked the fatass back to his room (:**

**Just kidding. But I wish. All I did was shoot him with my laser gun. That shut the fucker up.**

**The next fucking limey I had to deal with was that stupid whale. ****I told that bitch ass motherfucker AGAIN to stay the fuck away from Lithuania. I swear, that swimming tub of hydrogenated fat is tryna get rid of me. She don't do shit except swim around and eat the same amount of food as America. I donno what the hell was going through Alfred's mind when he adopted her. **

**Later on I got kinda bored and went cruisin' in America's car. But the police started throwing a hissy fit jus cuz I was going about 150. They started chasin me down the interstate and all that shizz. I'm pretty sure I got onto the news too! But I had to pull over eventually cuz **_**someone **_**forgot to fill 'er up with gas. I then got yelled at by the Boss, but I don't really give a shit about that. It was fun while it lasted :D**

**K, I think ima go steal America's steak now. **

**Bye,  
>Tony<strong>


	4. Nov 22, 2011

**Goddamn fucking America.**

**I don't know what the fuck he was thinking when he ordered a full house cleaning service. Or why the hell he didn't tell the stupid Mexican ladies to stay the fuck outta my room. So yeah. I spent most of the last- what? Two weeks?- looking for you. **

**Okay so I kinda gave up the search after 2 days. I told you I don't give a rat's ass about this diary thing. Turns out you were in my desk drawer. Who the hell looks in their **_**desk **_**drawer? Stupid Mexicans... **

**And don't worry. Nothing interesting happened while I was gone. Same ol' same ol'. Except those cruise liners I sunk. That was kindav a biggie.**

**I got a transgraph from home. It's my race's equivalent of a letter. But yeah. Mom was jus' giving a family update. Like I need it. I already know my bro got himself into some deep shit with the Intergalactic Watch. Stupid ass is like some fucked up combo of Prussia and Denmark set loose in Oktoberfest times 10. Again, nothing new.**

**The burger vacuum has been busy the last week preparing for Thanksgiving. It's supposed to be a time when everyone says thanks for everything or some shit. The way I see it is it's the beginning of the Native American's mass genocide. Whoop dee fucking doo for them.**

**But ah well. S'long as I get ma turkey dinner, I'm cool. Maybe after I'll go celebrate by shooting pumpkins at Eyebrows-Bastard afterwards :D**

**Tony**

* * *

><p>I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR NOT UPDATING I KNOW. But shit, aka life, happens, but I won't go into personal details.<p>

And for those of you freaking out about the Mexican comments, I swear I am _not _a racist. But Tony is, especially when pissed. I have respect for everyone disregardful of race. Apologies to anyone who was offended.

~ Amie S.


	5. Nov 23, 2011

**Yo.**

**I had to do epic last minute Thanksgiving shopping. I knew Costco would be crowded so I fucking ran over the losers in my way with my badass motherfucking monster truck. NOBODY HAS SHIT ON MY BABY MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sucks for anyone on the 95 southbound. I fucking crushed them all :) **

***ahem*SorryifIranyouover, BUT YOU CAN ALL SUCK MY DICK XDD**

**Anywho, I got into a fight with this wrinkly hag over the last turkey. I mean seriously, she was all saggy and wearing a fucking tutu. A **_**TUTU**_**. With a v-neck shirt and bedazzled purse. MY EYES FUCKING BURNED. Goddamn, I thought I had to buy bleach as well so I could fucking get the image outta my head e.e**

**B' don't worry. I won in the end after I drop kicked her ass to France. (:**

**I IS PUMPED FOR THANKSGIVING TMO. IMA EAT THE WHOLE DAMN TURKEY BEFORE THOSE OTHER BITCHES AHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**I wonder if America would get mad if I stuffed the turkey with Bastard Brow's scones...**

**Pondering,  
>Tony<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>OMG YOU GUYZ. I finally watched "Paint it, White!" today! *cue confetti and epic victory dance* XD

Back to relevant info regarding this entry. That old lady? 100% true.

Except for the send-her-to-France thing. If only... :/

~ Amie S.


	6. Happy Thanksgiving!

**Happy Thanksgiving, bitch.**

**Pretend I said that enthusiastically, k? **

**America forced me to help with the decorations and set up. He wanted streamers and old leaves scattered on the table and pretty napkins and shit. What am I, his maid? But he blackmailed me and said he'd hide Lucille's keys. I probably wouldn't have taken him seriously if he didn't wave them around in front of me. **

**Damn him. **

**People started arriving 'round 5:30. Al insisted on being all hospitable and welcoming them. I insisted on throwing extra mashed potatoes at them. What? It's a traditional greeting back home (:**

**Almost everyone immediately got drunk when Prussia brought **_**36**_** cases of beer. HOW THE HELL DID HE EVEN MANAGE TO FLY IT ALL OVER HERE? I got pretty tired of flinging turkey scraps at the nations when they wouldn't react and hit on me instead... *shudder***

**It's more scarring than it sounds.**

**Which leads us to now. Me, sitting in my room, writing in a lame ass journal. Well that, and taking a chance to hack into Estonia's military database. We've been tryna see who can hack into who's security first, and now that he's drunk off his rocker with the rest of the world, I don't see why not.**

**Aaaaaaaaand Kuma, Mr. Puffin, Hanatamago, and Gilbird just walked in.**

**...**

**...**

**WE'RE GONNA GO EGG PEOPLE HOUSES 8D**

**PEACE  
>Tony<strong>

* * *

><p>Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! :D<p>

Ima head off to bed now. Gotta nap before Black Friday shopping! Anyone else gonna do it tonight?

~ Amie S.


	7. Nov 25, 2011

_Hello. I'm Kuma. _

_You're probably wondering why Tony isn't writing. It's simple, really. We egged people houses. And then we egged people that were camping out on the streets like hobos (we had a LOT of extra eggs). Tony said it was because of some after Thanksgiving sale. Then we decided to egg more houses. But it turns out Mr. America's boss does NOT like his house to be egged. Or himself for that matter. Especially with an Awesomely Customized Egg Bazooka._

_We were thrown in jail._

_Hanamanatanago, Gilbert, and I got picked up by our respective owners. But Alfred-poochie was a bit more pissed at Tony. So he left him there as punishment. _

_It was like 3 in the morning when this happened, so we went back to Alfredo Sauce's house. Everyone slept in from a hangover. But not me! I got bored really fast. So I rummaged through Tony's stuff._

_And then I found _you.

_Tony should really keep stuff like this locked up. Who knows what kind of crazy people might find it and write in this! _

_But I read his other entries. I never knew he was such a wuss. It's kinda funny._

_Well, that's all I have for today. I'll write more tomorrow._

_Bye!  
>Kumajirou Williams<em>

* * *

><p>Sorry for the late update, guys. Moar shopping called to me the entire day :'D<p>

I can't seem to stick to one character when it comes to these kinda things...

~ Amie S.


	8. Nov 26, 2011

_Hello, Mr. Diary._

_C'est moi, encore! I brought someone else too!_

'Sup. I'm Gilbird.

_Yeah, I thought I'd show him what Tony's been up to._

Goddamn Tony... What the hell you been up to lately? Don't tell me you're gonna be growing boobs now!

_Gilbird! _

What? Diaries are for ladies, not awesomely masculine bros like us! 

_*sigh* Well, you can tell him that when he comes home. Burger Mouth is picking him up later tonight._

Verdammt, well I'm going home right now so...

TONY. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TURN INTO A WOMAN, Y'HEAR? I DON'T WANNA GO ON FB ONE DAY TO FIND OUT YOU DECIDED TO LOSE YOUR BALLS [if you have any left]. I CAN'T LOSE MY DRINKING BUDDY! AND STOP PUTTING CROP CIRCLES AT MY HOUSE. I'M TOO AWESOME FOR THAT KINDA SHIT.

BYE!

_... Well that was short. Everyone pretty much went home today. Except Mr. Pancake Man. He's helping clean up the place, which may take a while..._

_Oh! My pancake timer just went off! I'm making some for me and... well just me. _

_I'll leave you on Tony's bed where he'll see you, okay? _

_It was fun talking to you! Bye!  
>Kuma<em>

__: later zat evening :

**... **

**...**

**WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-**


	9. Nov 27, 2011

**Dear Diary,**

**I'm currently hiding out in an undisclosed location. Why?**

**Because snooping polar bears and narcissistic baby chickens might find me. And you. Then they'll proceed to read and write random shit in you.**

**I fucking hate them.**

**Not really, but still. I hope Gilbird enjoys the KFC I sent him. And Kuma the bear rug. Early Christmas gifts, y'know? **

**Jail was fucking awesome. I started a riot, tazed a few cops, and the food wasn't so bad! Of course, Alfred STILL wasn't happy but ya can't please everyone :L**

**But he took away Lucille's keys. I had forgotten about that v.v**

**Gilbird is coming over again tomorrow though. We had agreed to play 'Amnesia: the Dark Descent'. Been hearing stuff about it, so we wanna check it out.**

**... I hear someone coming.**

**Gotta go,  
>Tony<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Readers, if I end up not updating ever again, it's because I'm about to start said game ^. I'll most likely chicken out and just watch the playthrough, though :3

~ Amie S.


	10. Nov 29, 2011

**Dear Diary,**

**So... a recount of yesterday...**

: LIKE ZOMG IT'S A FLASHBACK BITCHES :

"**Yo Gil, y'ready yet?"**

"Calm your tits, dude! Gimme a sec!" Gilbird called.

"**Hurry the fuck up, dammit!" **

A few moments later, the tiny little cream puff- I mean Gilbard – flew into the living room carrying two beers (HOW THE HELL DID HE DO THAT?).

"Refreshments a la the Awesome Me!" He chirped happily.

"_**Finally.**_**" **Tony grabbed one of the cans.** "Let's get this bitch started!"**

"Ew, you sound like you're gonna fu-" 

"**SHUT UP!" **The little birde was cut off by a smack to the back that sent him flying towards the computer screen.

"The fuck was that for?" Gilbird yelled as he fluffed up in anger.

"**You've been hanging out too much with that Frenchie bastard! You're even talking like him, goddammit! Now STFU so we can play!" **Tony replied with a whine.

"Not until you apologize to the Awesome Me."

"**GILBIRD."**

"Fine." He conceded. He entered the menu and clicked on the option 'Start New Game'.

"This shit's gonna be TIGHT." Gilbird jumped excitedly as Tony took control of the mouse and created a profile.

A couple minutes later, **"Hey, it's just weird ass dialogue. This ain't so bad.," **the alien remarked. His character, Daniel, stumbled around and the screen faded to black.

However, as the game progressed...

"**Goddamn, how much fucking oil am I using? And what the fuck is with that red stuff?" **Tony, now irritated, clicked his tinderbox to light the wall candles. He wouldn't admit it, but the creepy whispers were putting him on edge.

...

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"I-Is that someone being hacked to death?" Gilbird shuddered at the screams of a helpless victim echoing in the stone halls.

"Iono, j-just let me play!"

The two friends continued navigating around the castle. Aside from random flashbacks (usually of people dying, being brutally murdered, and shit like that), it wasn't as bad as they thought.

...

...

...

...

...

...

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...

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"**Did you hear that?"**

"HOLY SHIT WTF IS THAT?"

"**Wh- FUCK WHAT IS THAT? IT'S CHASING ME!"**

"SCHEIßE, RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER VERDAMMT _**RUN**_!"

"** EEEEUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!"**

...

...

...

And then the game ended.

...

...

When Tony shot his computer with a laser.

: BACK TO ZE PRESENT BITCHES :

**... Yeah...**

***totally did not sleep with the lights on and gun next to me***

**Tony**


	11. Nov 30, 2011

**Wassup,**

**I have to look around every damn corner now. Amnesia's fucked up, as in, it literally _mind_ fucks you. Goddammit. I hate that game. **

**Also just found out America played it too. Now I know why he wouldn't come out of his room for an entire week. The electric bill was damn high last month...**

**But I needed a serious stress reliever. So ****I snuck into Lucille and lasered some asteroids for fun. Couldn't take her up cause America still has the keys [damn that bastard], but I can still use the other stuff. Like the nukes. Or lasers. I kinda accidentally may have created a new crater on the moon, but SHUSH. Nobody knows that. I wanna see how long it takes the scientisty dudes to find out hehe.**

**Al said I have to get a valid U.S. license in order to start driving again. He said it was "for my safety and his".**

**Fucking. **

**Bullshit. **

**But I can't get my keys back until I do. Tony does not approve :(**

**Gonna drown out my sorrows with FUCKING MINT CHIP ICE CREAM,  
>Tony<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>'Twas a bit rushed, sorry. I has to study for a test on Alfred's attic :/

Au revoir, my lovlies! :D

~ Amie S.


End file.
